Timidity

All week I’ve wanted to write. I’ve had countless ideas. Words that wanted to flow from the tips of my fingers on to this blog space for your screen. Today I recognized what stopped my fingers from floating over keys with endless thoughts, words of encouragement, and dreams… TIMIDITY.

See it’s been a hard week here. No one is exempt from hard work and struggles. I have poured myself out for my family, and also ministry. My sweet second son turned 6, so we had to have a celebration of life. It’s not every day we get to celebrate God’s miracles with Pokemon cake and friends. However, I’m finding these gatherings can be a lot of work! I tidied the main rooms, cleaned, prepared food and simple decorations. I went to sit at my computer, and my fingers could only hover.

All the while serving my family, I sat humbled awaiting the Lord’s answer on an upcoming opportunity to speak and serve. Every so often God entrusts me to care for a group of weary women in need of rest and refocus in the Lord. While I ran the race to win the prize, I found the prize wasn’t the weekend retreat to serve others as expected. Growth in knowledge of the Lord, fruit of the spirit: patience, and encouragement from mentors was the prize God had for me. Some might consider this a let down, for me when my eyes dried I count it a joy just like the book of James teaches me to do so. Its hard, fatiguing work. God’s ways are better then my own, His purpose is more fulfilling. Why should I be disappointed?

The true difficulty of the week has been wrestling with the word: EXPECTANCY. The cunning thief and liar had planted false seeds in my mind of how I should and should not live expectant of the Lord. This week I spent studying the word, watching podcasts, asking mentors to speak wisdom to me, and crying out to Jesus. What I’ve found will be another blog, another day. Today we talk about how I am timid in the face of the unknown.

I can be confident in Christ all day, but when I fail to understand Jesus and his ways… i become a flat out chicken. Confusion, the unknown, they make me want to cower and withhold the light of Jesus within. If I had cool cowboy boots, oh girl would they shake. I find myself timid, hiding in any corner with all sorts of anxious thoughts that paralyze my movement.  I fear misstep. The perfectionist fears moving forward, what if I get it wrong? What if I say it wrong? Will there be enough grace for me? Will God still use me? Didn’t I just tell my 8 year old to conquer his fear and just try. And not till this moment did i see the hypocrisy of my example. Ugh! This is the spirit of timidity through and through. The Lord did not give me this, this is of devil.

What did the Lord give to me?

Power. Yes, ladies He gave me power. I am not to be ashamed to testify of His love for us, nor the works He has accomplished in my life. Today’s failure has nothing to do with my worth and strength in the Lord. God loved me enough to sacrifice His one and only son for my ugly sin. If that statement doesn’t make you feel powerful, if the work God has done to wash you for His righteous purpose doesn’t raise the hairs on your arms with Holy Spirit goose bumps…go sit with your mentor or your pastor and figure out how you are deceived. There is power in the name of Jesus. There is power in God’s purpose for you. There is power in our prayers that enter the throne room of the great I Am. Power in our bent knee and flowing tears with cries and shouts to the Lord. Power in submitting our will to the Lords.

Love. When I feel lost in the deepest, darkest pit of unlovability…I know it’s a lie. I cry out for the Lord and beg Him for His mighty spirit of love and comfort to come over me. And it does. God’s love is bigger than we can comprehend. His love is unconditional, no rules can stop it, no regulations can reign it in. We can extend love like that. We can take that example of how God is loving us and love some people fierce. I spoke and then sat in a dirty jail with some ladies a short while back, and loved those sinners hard. I told them of my sin, my brokenness. I shared how God loves us even in our wreckage. I spoke of the ash I had been, an empty waste of a being that had numbed myself instead of leaning deep into God. I explained the flower God made out me when my belief and confession of Jesus took place. I didn’t see the orange jumpsuits, I saw the perfect braid and begged the women wearing it to show me how she made that gorgeous crown wrap perfectly round the top of her precious head. We can love anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Self Discipline. Some of your bible versions may say, “sound mind.” And I admit on the days when all I feel is cray cray…I recite this verse with “sound mind” because reader, the devil is after that too. God has given us a sound mind and the spirit of self disciple to stop the enemy the moment he tempts our minds to fear, to wander, to sin. We have been given the ability to simply say, “stop.” I know, I know thats hard. It’s going to take you some strength training of those spiritual muscles. You are going to have to learn to stop that train of thought whether it is slow and steady like a freight train or an express picking up speed and blazing down a track. Or perhaps you’ve already given over to the sin. It burned inside your mind so long, you finally acted on it. Now you have to turn and run to Jesus, you must repent. You must rebuke satan in the name of Jesus as he tries to keep you acting in the sin or locked up in shame and guilt. You’ve got to declare to the devil he must get gone. He has no authority here because our savior has already won.

This week timidity, that lowly spirit of fear and anxiety straight out of the pit of hell tried to stop my fingers from writing. The devil tried to stop me from sharing the stories of Jesus’s goodness in my life. He tried to trip me up so I could not stand steadfast and strong, shouting to the world, “My God is good. His son died for my sin…and yours. Praise be to God.” Won’t you shout it with me? Won’t you join me with bravery? Because we know that there is nothing to fear.